The Number

Yeah, the number. I remember when I first saw this webisode. I thought it was hilarious and laughed out loud. I viewed all the episodes, watching the development of the story and subscribed to Black and Sexy TV on YouTube. They have a really funny show called The Couple, yet I digress. Anyway, when I showed this show to my fiancé, he didn’t find it so funny. If anyone knows me, they know I’m pretty liberal in my opinions about things, specifically sexuality, and can be pretty strong in my opinions. So we spoke about it for a moment and ended the conversation…still engaged. But in all seriousness, we discussed a lot of issues regarding stereotypes and if the Melissa’s number had been lower than the Jason’s, there may not have been such an issue (and this show, not as funny). I’m always one to challenge stereotypes, but that’s not what we’re going to do today in this here blog. What I want to explore is if it’s important to share your number of past sexual partners with your mate.

When I was thinking about this, I decided to make a pros and cons list, just to see something concrete. I even asked friends their opinions. Here’s what I came up with:

Pros	Cons
Safety—I’d want to know the number of sexual partners my mate’s had so I can gauge my possible exposure to STIs.	Knowing the number of past lovers may change your opinion of your partner.
Full disclosure—You won’t have to worry about holding anything back from your partner if everything is on the table. Now, I didn’t say you should give names, but I think a number is okay.	Will the new partner start to compare themselves to past loves? Well, maybe I shouldn’t give this information if it’s not pertinent….

What are some others?

Personally, I feel it’s a good idea to share information. For some people, it may be devastating to learn a specific number. Is the number itself important? Eh. For me, I’d like to know, but it may not be necessary for everyone in every relationship; it’s just my personal preference. What I do think is mandatory is getting tested for STIs (sexually transmitted infections). Whether you’ve had sex with one person or fifty people, you may have been exposed to various illnesses, especially if you did not utilize safer sex practices (latex condoms/barrier methods for intercourse and oral sex) in every sexual encounter. AND even with safer sex practices, there’s still the possibility of exposure to other infections such as Herpes. Now, let’s get real. In previous posts, we’ve explored why God designed sex for marriage, so I won’t go into that here. However, research shows us that abstinence only sex education is not effective because those who chose to have sexual experiences before entering a marriage covenant may not know about safer sexual practices and then expose themselves to STIs and unwanted pregnancy.

Now let’s think about it: if you’re planning to spend the rest of your life with someone, you obviously love and care deeply for that person. Don’t you want to give them the best you possible? Don’t you want to shield them from harm if possible? Point blank: get tested. Know your status and don’t compromise. If you’ve had sex (including oral, anal, and other forms of foreplay), g’on ahead and get tested. Insist your partner does as well. Hey, go get tested together! No, it’s not a romantic date, but it’s an opportunity to truly show your love for someone. Getting tested says, “I love you so much that I don’t want to give you any diseases.” And even more, it says, “I love me so much that I want to know my status.” And y’all know I’m all about loving yourself.

What I Think of St. Valentine's Day

Eh, I’m not a fan. I know, I know, you probably expected something different. I’m in love, nose wide open as one of my friends calls it, and engaged and I’m not a fan of V-Day. Strange, huh? Well, I don’t think so. Growing up, my mother always made February 14th special. When my sister and I woke up to get ready for school, we always had some type of chocolate candy and a card, generally signed “Love, Mama.” This was my constant Valentine. I might not have received any expressions of affection from a boy, but I always left the house knowing I was loved. Then I’d get to school. In high school, the choir had a Valentine’s Day fundraiser where they’d sell balloons, candy, etc. and deliver them to the desired recipient in class. And these were BIG gifts. We’re talking bundles of balloons (or at least a really big one) and stuffed animals of some sort, typically teddy bears wearing red bow ties or something. Anywho, although I never seriously dated anyone from my high school, I always hoped I’d get a simple acknowledgement or expression from someone telling me how wonderful I was. Yes, I know it sounds silly, but I’m being transparent here!

 So then I’d get back home, maybe with candy from teachers or my good girlfriends, but without those big mylar balloons or teddy bears. Feeling a little down like I lost my puppy, I’d look on my dresser and see that simple present from my mom, reminding me that I was, indeed, loved. Fast forward to February 2003. I reconnected with this guy I knew while in high school and we were just friends. Actually, we weren’t even that. We were cordial, no real conversations that I remember, so I didn’t expect any type of sparks to fly, but he asked me to go on a date with him the next Friday, February 14, 2003. He originally asked me via notes on Blackplanet.com (don’t front like y’all don’t remember BlackPlanet), but said he wanted to call and officially ask because he felt the Internet was still a bit impersonal. So a day or so later, I’m sitting in the middle of my bed, writing in my journal, watching SVU and writing that I’d probably be doing the same the following Friday. And my cell phone rings. It’s him, “officially” asking me on a date. Of course, I said yes and now, February 14th is the anniversary of my and my fiancé’s first date. Was it magical and crazy electricity between us? Absolutely not. It was more awkward than anything. We didn’t say a whole lot. …Weird for a first date. I mean, you know how you’re supposed to talk a lot and get to know each other, right? Well, we kinda knew each other, so we just didn’t really know how to proceed. It was cool nonetheless.

 So what’s with my aversion to Valentine’s Day? I think it’s just entirely too commercial. I mean, the price of a dozen roses seems to skyrocket and let’s not talk about the bounty of red and pink colored cheap-tasting chocolates that now dominate the front of most grocery stores. All the florists LOVE this time of year because this is the time when everyone expresses their love, right? Well, I think that’s my problem.

 I love my family. It could be a random Tuesday and if we see something we think another family member would like or appreciate, we get it for them and give it to them. No, we don’t wait and save the gift for Christmas or a birthday, but we take that moment to express love and care for each other. My Aunt De-Rance loves angels, so if I see one I think she might like, I get it for her and share it the next time I see her. It’s not necessary to wait until a special day because my love and appreciation for her aren’t bound to those days.

So I woke up today, not really feeling February 14th but the texts were rolling in as early as 6:30am and I responded with a “Happy Love’s Holiday to you too!” …but I just wasn’t feeling it, ya know? Well, as I was getting ready for work, my mom went to warm up her car before I did and when I got outside, my mom cleaned the snow off my car for me. That was a great expression of love. My mom has had serious foot pain since she broke her heel last year (she still doesn’t know how she did that), but the fact that she took those extra steps to clean off my car meant so much to me. It wasn’t my usual card and chocolate candy, but it was that expression of love and care that brought me out my funk and made me smile and be thankful to God for the love that’s expressed in various ways.

 What do I think of St. Valentine’s Day? It’s February 14th. It’s just another day. However, it’s another opportunity to share love with those around you. Take advantage of it, but don’t get so caught up in the commercialism of it all. Love each other as Christ loved us and just have a good day.

As silly as a fly in a light fixture...

Those who know me know I tend to have irregular sleeping habits. Well, last night, I resolved to get a good night's rest and failed miserably. I got in the bed around 8pm but woke up around 10:30pm, wide awake and could not immediately get back to sleep. So what did I do? I read a book, watched TV, and, of course, perused my friends' posts on Facebook and Twitter. And yes, I did all these things at the same time.

In the midst of my adult ADHD bliss, I noticed a buzzing sound and located the fly that was making it. It was a huge fly and was moving around my room, attracted to the main light source. I watched it for a while and had to laugh at myself because I was seriously concentrating on this thing. It came in through my Southeast facing window and landed on the ceiling, inching closer and closer to the light fixture. I'd seen it happen many times before: a fly or ladybug would get in my room, fall in love with the light, and fall in the light fixture. Sometimes it would get out. Other times, it just laid there and was burned by the bulb's intense heat and I had to stretch my arms to again clean the light fixture. Well, I really paid attention to this fly to see if I could learn something. Hey, don't judge me; by this time, it was about 1am and I was kinda sleepy but still intrigued.

Well, this fly did just as I thought it would: it inched along the ceiling closer and closer to the light until it got so close it fell in the light fixture. It sat there for a few minutes, but after realizing it would be burned, it struggled to get out the lamp. Although the sides were slippery, it would continue to attempt to climb up the sides but would slide down. It took this fly several attempts before it decided to try to fly out. When it finally escaped a sure death, it repeated the process. I watched this fly again and again face destruction and, although I seriously despise flies, I was kind of hoping it would learn its lesson and not get so close to the light. Well, you know what happened. The stupid fly fell back in the light fixture, chilled for a few minutes, then burned, then struggled to get out, then got out but again flirted with disaster as it inched closer and closer.

Ok, so I decided to help the fly out...and experiment. I turned off the main light to see what Mr. Fly would do since he'd fallen in the light fixture. He stayed there until I turned on my desk lamp, then flew out and inched closer to that one. So of course, I had to play with the fly and I turned off the desk lamp and again flicked on the main light. And of course, the cycle started all over again: flirty walking around the light on the ceiling, getting close to it, then falling in. By this time, it was almost 2am and I put my book down, turned off my light, and went to sleep.

So why am I talking about flies here on a sex and relationship blog? Well, because sometimes, we can be just as silly as a fly in a light fixture. We'll be in relationships we know are destructive, yet we stick around for the benefits, whether real or perceived: companionship, body heat, or the flood of emotions we feel when we're held. Then we get burned. The partner might step out or just isn't good to us and we'll leave for a while, but try to stick around just enough to get those benefits...only to fall back into a situation that may burn us.

Sounds kinda hopeless, eh? Well, it's not. God ALWAYS provides a way of escape. I Corinthians 10:13 tells us that whenever we are tempted God will provide a way out. However, you have the choice to exit. If you want to stay there and get burned, it's totally your choice. Howbeit, God provides that open door and He tells us to flee temptation (2 Timothy 2:22). Nope, don't power walk away from it, don't walk briskly, but RUN! AWAY! IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION! Again, it's completely your choice though. Just like with this silly fly. The opening of the light fixture is HUGE and at any point, it could fly out, but it would try to scale the slippery sides and would fall right back to the danger zone.

We will always be met with tempting situations. I'm reminded of Jill Scott's song "Across My Mind." At the end, she says, "In the end, you were never good for me and I was never good for you. I just remember what we used to do." Yep...I know it's tempting. "Can't nobody hold me the way he/she did!" "You can't even imagine how great the sex was!" You're right...but if you don't remind yourself of the danger you left, you might be sitting at the bottom of the light fixture, just like that fly still is because I was too lazy this morning to get it out....


Scriptural References
1 Corinthians 10:13
Amplified Bible (AMP)
For no temptation (no trial regarded as enticing to sin), [no matter how it comes or where it leads] has overtaken you and laid hold on you that is not common to man [that is, no temptation or trial has come to you that is beyond human resistance and that is not adjusted and adapted and belonging to human experience, and such as man can bear]. But God is faithful [to His Word and to His compassionate nature], and He [can be trusted] not to let you be tempted and tried and assayed beyond your ability and strength of resistance and power to endure, but with the temptation He will [always] also provide the way out (the means of escape to a landing place), that you may be capable and strong and powerful to bear up under it patiently.

2 Timothy 2:22
Amplified Bible (AMP)
Shun youthful lusts and flee from them, and aim at and pursue righteousness (all that is virtuous and good, right living, conformity to the will of God in thought, word, and deed); [and aim at and pursue] faith, love, [and] peace (harmony and concord with others) in fellowship with all [Christians], who call upon the Lord out of a pure heart.

United Praise

As I look over my life, I have to give thanks for many things, specifically for friends. I have several good friends with whom I’ve shared various things: school experiences, sorority life, and best of all, faith. I remember attending a Thanksgiving service with my line sisters and was overcome with gratitude for the opportunity to praise God with some of my favorite people. Whether it’s an email, a phone conversation, or a lunch break, I’m so grateful for the many opportunities I have for united praise.

As far as relationships are concerned, I didn’t always understand the importance of this principle. I knew that I was supposed to be “equally yoked” with my mate, but let’s be real. When I was younger, I wasn’t looking for every encounter to end in a long-term relationship. Thus, I ended up being yoked with people who weren’t so equal. They wondered why I had to go to the afternoon service if I already went to church that morning. …or why I had to give 10% of my earnings. Y’all know how it goes. But when I was blessed with my current relationship, I tell you, I began to understand some things. This isn’t to say that relationships where people come from different faiths can’t work. However, it can be a real challenge when it comes to various issues.

So what is this united praise of which I’m speaking? I’m talking about the example of Paul and Silas. I encourage you to read Acts 16 in its entirety because it allows you to understand the full context of the story. However, only in Acts 15:40 had Paul and Silas been paired to go through Syria and Cilicia to strengthen churches. Actually, Paul specifically chose Silas and this choice was monumental.

As Paul and Silas were in Philippi, they cast a spirit out of a slave girl. When her owners learned who was responsible, they brought the duo before the magistrates and both Paul and Silas were severely beaten and thrown in jail. Now let’s think about this. Paul and Silas were paired up in 15:40 and in 16:22-23, stripped and flogged and finally thrown into the inner cell of a prison in verse 24. I wonder what they were thinking. I mean, seriously, I imagine Silas could have been thinking, “What in the world did I get myself in to?” So there they are, in jail, bruised, beaten, battered, and feeling bereft. And they decide to praise.

There’s a song by Luther Vandross that I didn’t fully appreciate when it came out in 2001. His smooth vocals (which I truly miss) would come through singing, “I’d rather have bad times with you than good times with someone else. I’d rather be beside you in a storm than safe and warm by myself. I’d rather have hard times together than to have them easy apart….” And there I am as my 20-year-old self thinking this song doesn’t make any sense. Seriously, how could you rather weather a storm with one person than enjoy safety alone? It just didn’t make ANY sense to me. But I imagine that Paul chose Silas wisely because they knew the danger they would face in spreading the Gospel.

So again, they’re together, hurt and I’m sure discouraged, but at midnight, in their darkest hour, Paul and Silas began to pray and sing hymns to God. The scripture doesn’t specify the subject(s) of their prayers. It just says they prayed and sang songs that glorified God. That, too, is an amazing concept to me, but it’s so important to learn that God still deserves the praise in the midst of our bad circumstances. I’ve heard people say that your situation should not determine your praise. …and instead of halting their praise, Paul and Silas’s situation prompted them to action---not to revolt, but to glorify God.

As we further examine the scripture, we learn that in the midst of their prayers and songs, God moved in the form of an earthquake, which actually freed all that were jailed from their chains and shackles. Being men of integrity, however, they did not flee, but let the guards know they were where they were supposed to be. I think important lessons come from examining two things: partnership and praise.

Relationships are a lot of work. However, I think they work best when both parties view themselves as partners. Both individuals have to come together to do the necessary work of the relationship. If one partner is the only one fully vested, it won’t work. However, when both come together and unite for a common purpose, the relationship can flourish, as it is with praise. I often have the opportunity to lead Praise and Worship and when everyone is on one accord and brings praise with them to church, it makes a huge difference in setting the atmosphere. However, when I’m the only on interested in lifting my hands or celebrating the greatness of God, it’s a whole other story. So how does this relate to relationships? To paraphrase T.D. Jakes, when choosing a mate, you want that person to be the one who will stand beside you and pray with and for you as you’re burying your parents. When you are in the midst of a “midnight situation,” you want to know that person will be united in praise with you, that even though you may be hurting, God is still worthy to praised. You want someone that will share in your pain, empathize with you, but remind you that God is still God.

So what do you think might have happened if Paul and Silas didn’t pray and sing at midnight? Would their chains of physical bondage still have been broken? Perhaps, but one thing is for sure. Their example of united praise speaks to the necessity of having friends and partners who you know have your back no matter what. I encourage you to not only examine your relationships on your own, but speak with your friends and make agreements to stand together at midnight and praise in spite of your circumstances.

Sex Therapist in Training? Who, Me?!

Yes, me! It's official. I recently started my training to be certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists as a sex therapist. So, what is that exactly? Check this out:

Sex Therapy is a subspecialty of psychotherapy, focusing on the specific concerns related to human sexuality. People of all ages, creeds, health status, ethnic backgrounds, whether partnered or single, may benefit from working with a psychotherapist who specializes in this area. Certified Sex Therapists use specialized clinical skills and theoretical knowledge to help people solve their sexual concerns.

In most states and provinces, Sex Therapy is not a separately licensed or regulated profession, just as child psychotherapy or geriatric psychotherapy is not government regulated beyond granting the basic license to practice therapy. To assure the public of highly qualified practitioners, AASECT provides voluntary certification to those therapists who have completed the rigorous certification process. Only those therapists who have met these qualifications may designate themselves as “AASECT Certified Sex Therapists.”

Taken from http://www.aasect.org/faqs.asp#What_is_ST, 6/6/2011

I am a licensed clinical social worker and serve a variety of clients. My specific interests (as it relates to sex therapy) include recovering from trauma to have healthy sexual experiences and marital/pre-marital therapy. Not many predominately black denominations have standardized pre-marital counseling courses that are empirically based (researched and "proven" to be effective). Because of this, lots of concerns may not be addressed, including issues of sex and sexuality. If couples don't discuss these issues BEFORE getting to the bedroom, they may encounter several difficulties spurring from issues of past hurt or trauma and unspoken expectations. I believe that sex is an important component in healthy marriages, however it manifests in specific relationships. I just believe that we can no longer be silent about it within our faith communities.

So there you have it. This is how I'm kicking off my summer. I know I've been absent for a while, but I am still writing and new posts are to come, especially with all this fun knowledge I'm gaining. Yes, fun. How can you study sex and sexuality without it being at least interesting? :-)

I Bet My Daughter Knows My Name...

I remember seeing this video a few years ago. I definitely laughed when I saw it. I mean, really, there’s a lot of comedy included in those few minutes of footage. However, after my giggling subsided, I began to wonder about the conversations that ensued when the taping stopped. …or if there actually was a conversation. This then led me to think about sex and sexuality education. There are so many differing opinions about who should teach it and when it should be taught. But while the grownups argue, our kids are left with no information and sometimes, begin to experiment without education or they seek the advice of their equally uneducated peers.

So when should we teach our children? I did a twitter poll and my awesome followers gave me great ideas, most which were similar to my own. While some people gave specific ages (7 or 8 years old), others said we should give information as our children ask questions, of course, on an age-appropriate level. When speaking about sex and sexuality education, I like to use my own experiences to explain my opinions.

I love my mom. I have a great relationship with her and I thank God for choosing her to be my mother. As an educator, she always encouraged me to seek more information. When I would ask her various things, like why do we celebrate Christmas on December 25th when the Bible doesn’t exact a date of Jesus’ birth, she’d direct me to the World Book Encyclopedias she spent so much money on. …and now my family calls me “Google” because I’m full of lots of random information I picked up while reading those expensive encyclopedias. When it came to sex, however, Mama didn’t leave me hanging. She used every opportunity as a teachable moment. If we were watching Oprah and the topic was teenage pregnancy or if the news mentioned a report about HIV/AIDS, my mom would turn off the TV and talk with us. She made sure we understood the messages we were receiving and gave us an open forum to discuss our ideas and feelings. I’m certain that I was able to make good sexual decisions because of my mother’s willingness to discuss sex and sexuality with us. And yes, she discussed sexuality in a loving and accepting manner. She made it clear that she would love us no matter who we loved. Now that, friends, is powerful stuff for a kid to hear and retain.

A few nights ago, I watched a documentary on sex and sexuality attitudes among teenagers across the pond. In Great Britain, the legal age to consent to sexual activity is 16. However, the teens they interviewed were as young as 14, explaining they had their first sexual experiences as young as 11 or 12. One interview that stuck with me showed a mother and daughter answering the question of what sex should be. The mother described sex as an expression of love while the 15-year-old daughter shook her head and plainly said that sex is something to do to pass the time that can be pleasurable. The mother didn’t try to correct her daughter’s attitude, but looked kind of sheepishly into the camera as her daughter expounded upon her ideas. Throughout the show, the mother explained that she had not been the best model for her daughter in that she would quickly integrate boyfriends into her family life and this may have shaped her daughters ideas about sex. And there it is: the idea of modeling appropriate behaviors for your children to follow.

Although the Bible does not teach specifically on sex education, the first part of Proverbs 22 delves into the importance of discipline in various areas of life. One of the most quoted is verse 6:

KJV: “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

MSG: “Point your kids in the right direction—when they’re old they won’t be lost.”

I don’t think this verse expects parents or caregivers to be perfect examples. We all make mistakes, which is why Jesus’ sacrifice is so important to the Christian faith. However, even in the shadow of the Cross, we should not use that as an excuse to continually miss the mark. I’m not going to go in depth about sex outside of marriage because I’ve done that in previous posts. Even still, we need to talk to our kids about it. With single parents, that doesn’t mean you can’t date; it does mean your kids shouldn’t meet every person you date. Not every date should have access to your child and their developing ideas about sex. Yep, I said it. Don’t bring everyone home to be “Uncle Charlie” or “Aunt Sally” when you haven’t decided who they are to be in your life. This modeling could be monumental in how they view sex (as seen in the earlier mentioned interview).

So back to the above video: how can they use that as a teachable moment? Since the child looks fairly young, they could just ask her what she thought was going on. She may have thought they were playing a game, who knows? I think they could just meet their daughter where she is and honestly answer questions on a level that’s appropriate for her. Also, they could use this as an opportunity to explain that they sincerely love her and each other and that if she has any questions, she could reach to them for answers. Although embarrassing, it could be a moment of growth for both the parents and the child. However, in just laughing about her imitating the sounds she heard and not addressing the issue, there’s no growth and a learning opportunity has been lost. So friends, what would you do in this situation? How would you address it? And whose name should she know?

When I Started Disliking Steve Harvey...

I’ve only taken two international trips in my life. I made it to Egypt in 2009 with my fabulous rock star cousin who travels all the time. However, I came back disliking Tyra Banks because of an episode where she interviewed T.I. She called him an “idiot savant,” but meant it as a compliment. Obviously she didn’t know the meaning of the term and I was impressed with the way T.I. handled the situation. But yeah, I came back to the States with a decreased fondness of the former supermodel. So in 2010, I again traveled with my uber fab cousin and met her in Shanghai. I didn’t realize that I would again return home disliking another American figure.

While on the 13-hour flight to China, I slept, watched movies, and read magazines. I ended up buying lots of magazines for the flight, including Essence. One fun thing to do in Shanghai is to get clothes made, so I picked up Vogue and In Style to make sure I got plenty of ideas. Anyway, back to Essence. I’m a social worker and therapist, so I always find it interesting to read relationship columns from those not trained in my profession. That’s not to say they don’t give great advice, but sometimes, they can really miss the mark. Well…in my opinion anyway.

Steve Harvey has become a “relationship guru.” With his books “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man,” and “Straight Talk, No Chaser,” he’s found acclaim with many looking for ways to get and keep men. His advice seems practical and has some validity. However, the problem in giving advice based on your own personal experience is just that; it’s your personal experience. It may not be completely applicable to the situations and lives of others. Anywho, Mr. Harvey has a relationship column in Essence where readers send their questions and he answers them with his sage advice.

So I’m reading his column and a woman asks a valid question. She’s been married for a few years but her husband has recently put on some weight. She’s starting to find him less attractive and asked what she should do to encourage her mate to lose weight. Steve Harvey’s reply: cut him off. Yep, stop having sex with him. He said that sex is that language in which men are fluent and she should cease communication so to speak. …er, act. I immediately put down the magazine and didn’t pick it back up until I packed to leave.

There are a few things that perturbed me about this piece of advice, but let’s go to the biggest thing. YOU SHOULD NEVER USE SEX AS A WEAPON. Yep, caps, bold print, italicized, all o’ dat. YOU SHOULD NEVER USE SEX AS A WEAPON. Never. Why? For starters, because it’s mean. Okay, I’m sure we need something more than my idea of what’s mean, so let’s go to the Word.

I Corinthians 7 gives us some interesting advice on sex in marriage. Paul wrote this letter to a struggling church in Corinth, which was a city not known for its virtue. Let’s just say that Corinth was a like cross between Bourbon Street and Las Vegas. So really, it shouldn’t have been a big surprise that after Paul leaves the church he plants there, news travels about the problems they’re having. This inspires him to write one of his longest letters that’s included in the canonical Bible, which subsequently covers a variety of topics. Anyway, going back to chapter seven. Here he speaks specifically to married folks by giving them instructions about sex. In verses 3-5, Paul explains that husbands and wives should fulfill their marital duties to each other and only abstain from sex when it’s mutually agreed upon and only for the purpose of fasting. He doesn’t say anything about “cutting someone off” to help them lose weight. In fact, in verse 4, he proclaims that a wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband and vice versa. So does that mean no matter how much your husband/wife makes you mad, you can’t just cut ‘em off? Yep. Now don’t misunderstand me. I don’t believe the Father wants you to put yourself in a situation where you’ll be objectified, abused, or used. However, in a generally healthy marriage, this chapter tells us that you shouldn’t withhold sex as a means to control the behavior (or weight) of your spouse.

So what are our options? I believe that women have a special anointing, the power of persuasion (I elaborated about this in The Power of the Nag in the Samson series). But seriously, what are some things she could do encourage weight loss? What about talking to him? Yep, the direct approach. Kinda different, huh? I tell you, though, it works. It’s not necessary to be abrasive, but you can be lovingly honest. What about suggesting that you work out together? Hey, what about cooking healthy meals together? Cooking together might prompt…cooking together. So could working out. When you spend time with each other, you have the opportunity to reignite those sparks that started the fire in the first place. However, if either mate decides to cease sexual communication, you decrease the opportunities for oxytocin and other love brain chemicals to flow and attraction may continue to wane.

Really, I think the advice given in Essence was irresponsible. But then again, it’s advice. It’s not therapy. It’s not theology. It’s one man’s opinion on what a woman should do to spur the weight loss of her husband. Will his advice work? I highly doubt it. Actually, I think it’s a recipe for disaster. I just hope that the woman who sought the advice is lead to read I Corinthians 7 and decides to follow that instead of Mr. Steve Harvey.

Scriptural Reference:
I Corinthians 7: 1-6 (MSG) Now, getting down to the questions you asked in your letter to me. First, Is it a good thing to have sexual relations? Certainly—but only within a certain context. It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I’m not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them.