Luggage and Sex

I had the opportunity to go to the annual conference of AASECT, the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists in Austin, TX this past weekend. I had a great opportunity to reconnect with colleagues, meet new ones, and expand my knowledge within the wonderful field of sexuality. I observed many things at the conference, but before I could even get off the airplane in Austin, God provided yet another opportunity for me to learn something by watching simple things I tend to take for granted.

My plane arrived in Austin, TX after a pretty decent flight and as we sat on the tarmac for a moment, I could feel the temperature from outside and tried to prepare myself for the heat I would soon experience. I had a window seat, as I usually do, and was just sitting there, watching as crewmembers on the tarmac unloaded our plane’s luggage. There was nothing special about it until it clicked in my head that they were less than careful with the bags. They’d grab them and just kind of toss them into the trams they use to transport the bags from the plane to the baggage claim area. I made myself look away, thinking that if I don’t watch them throw my bag, I won’t get an unnecessary attitude. However, I couldn’t help but watch them. And I mean they were throwing these bags. It didn’t matter what kind of luggage it was: Michael Kors, Louis Vuitton, or my bright pink set I got from Macy’s several years ago. Hey! That’s my bright pink suitcase! I’m thinking that maybe they won’t throw it. ….but they do. They just throw it like it did something wrong to them. And I noticed my bright pink suitcase was a bit dirtier than when I checked it. Hmph. At least my luggage arrived in Austin the same time I did.

So what’s sexy about folks throwing my suitcase? Nothing. But it does make me think about sex.

I didn’t date a whole lot. I had one serious boyfriend in high school and one in adulthood that will become my husband in about three and a half months. However, I did have “friends.” Y’all know what “friends” are, especially the type that are in quotation marks. I had a few undefined relationships that weren’t necessarily good for me, but I don’t regret them because they taught me valuable lessons about myself and my luggage. No, not baggage, but luggage.

I thought about how the luggage and handlers stood as metaphors for something deeper. Often, we enter (and remain in) undefined relationships where we are not clear of our expectations. Do I feel everything needs a label? Absolutely not. However, I do think it’s important that boundaries and goals are set and shared if a relationship, undefined or otherwise, is to flourish.  What am I saying here?

To me, the luggage symbolizes your body, your temple. It houses the Holy Spirit and hopefully the Word in your heart. However, if you let just anyone handle it, they may not do so with care. Does that mean that every person is the boogeyman and we should put up brick walls? No, no, no. That’s definitely not what I’m trying to convey. But it does mean that you should be careful about who you let handle your luggage.

What I realized is that the crewmembers had no investment in my bright pink suitcase. They didn’t know (or care) who I was and, therefore, weren’t really concerned about carefully handling my bag, keeping it nice and clean. Their job was to just unload it from the plane, and load it onto the tram. It was hot outside and they were just doing their job, so I’m not mad at them and I promise, I’m over it. BUT, they illustrated how we sometimes put our most valuable possession in the hands of people who don’t have our best interest at heart.

Like I said, they weren’t more careful with the Louis Vuitton luggage than they were with the Target specials. And sometimes, we can’t help if we accidentally choose the wrong luggage handlers. However, I’ve learned that people will treat you how you allow them to treat you. If you notice that someone is not fully vested in you and you want a deeper relationship, stop giving them your most sacred being. It’s okay to walk away when you see that something isn’t working. It’s even better to do so before they throw your luggage and possibly damage something. Once a suitcase is damaged, sure it can be patched together with duct tape (because it fixes everything), but it’s never the same. Stepping outside the metaphor, once you allow someone into your sacred space, a little bit of them is left behind. Sure, you can cleanse yourself of their “handprints” but that’s a process that probably won’t be quick and easy. Anywho, just be careful out there girls and boys. Don’t be so cautious that you’re a closed fist, but in being open, test the spirits to see whether they are from God. And even if they are, make sure you give your luggage to the right one; lost luggage is horrible to deal with.

Scriptural references:

I Corinthians 6:9 (Aramaic Bible in Plain English)

Do you not know that your body is the temple of The Spirit of Holiness who dwells within you, whom you have received from God, and you are not your own?

I John 4:1 (God’s Word Translation)

Dear friends, don’t believe all people who say that they have the Spirit. Instead, test them. See whether the spirit they have is from God, because there are many false prophets in the world.

The Number

Yeah, the number. I remember when I first saw this webisode. I thought it was hilarious and laughed out loud. I viewed all the episodes, watching the development of the story and subscribed to Black and Sexy TV on YouTube. They have a really funny show called The Couple, yet I digress. Anyway, when I showed this show to my fiancé, he didn’t find it so funny. If anyone knows me, they know I’m pretty liberal in my opinions about things, specifically sexuality, and can be pretty strong in my opinions. So we spoke about it for a moment and ended the conversation…still engaged. But in all seriousness, we discussed a lot of issues regarding stereotypes and if the Melissa’s number had been lower than the Jason’s, there may not have been such an issue (and this show, not as funny). I’m always one to challenge stereotypes, but that’s not what we’re going to do today in this here blog. What I want to explore is if it’s important to share your number of past sexual partners with your mate.

When I was thinking about this, I decided to make a pros and cons list, just to see something concrete. I even asked friends their opinions. Here’s what I came up with:

Pros	Cons
Safety—I’d want to know the number of sexual partners my mate’s had so I can gauge my possible exposure to STIs.	Knowing the number of past lovers may change your opinion of your partner.
Full disclosure—You won’t have to worry about holding anything back from your partner if everything is on the table. Now, I didn’t say you should give names, but I think a number is okay.	Will the new partner start to compare themselves to past loves? Well, maybe I shouldn’t give this information if it’s not pertinent….

What are some others?

Personally, I feel it’s a good idea to share information. For some people, it may be devastating to learn a specific number. Is the number itself important? Eh. For me, I’d like to know, but it may not be necessary for everyone in every relationship; it’s just my personal preference. What I do think is mandatory is getting tested for STIs (sexually transmitted infections). Whether you’ve had sex with one person or fifty people, you may have been exposed to various illnesses, especially if you did not utilize safer sex practices (latex condoms/barrier methods for intercourse and oral sex) in every sexual encounter. AND even with safer sex practices, there’s still the possibility of exposure to other infections such as Herpes. Now, let’s get real. In previous posts, we’ve explored why God designed sex for marriage, so I won’t go into that here. However, research shows us that abstinence only sex education is not effective because those who chose to have sexual experiences before entering a marriage covenant may not know about safer sexual practices and then expose themselves to STIs and unwanted pregnancy.

Now let’s think about it: if you’re planning to spend the rest of your life with someone, you obviously love and care deeply for that person. Don’t you want to give them the best you possible? Don’t you want to shield them from harm if possible? Point blank: get tested. Know your status and don’t compromise. If you’ve had sex (including oral, anal, and other forms of foreplay), g’on ahead and get tested. Insist your partner does as well. Hey, go get tested together! No, it’s not a romantic date, but it’s an opportunity to truly show your love for someone. Getting tested says, “I love you so much that I don’t want to give you any diseases.” And even more, it says, “I love me so much that I want to know my status.” And y’all know I’m all about loving yourself.

What I Think of St. Valentine's Day

Eh, I’m not a fan. I know, I know, you probably expected something different. I’m in love, nose wide open as one of my friends calls it, and engaged and I’m not a fan of V-Day. Strange, huh? Well, I don’t think so. Growing up, my mother always made February 14th special. When my sister and I woke up to get ready for school, we always had some type of chocolate candy and a card, generally signed “Love, Mama.” This was my constant Valentine. I might not have received any expressions of affection from a boy, but I always left the house knowing I was loved. Then I’d get to school. In high school, the choir had a Valentine’s Day fundraiser where they’d sell balloons, candy, etc. and deliver them to the desired recipient in class. And these were BIG gifts. We’re talking bundles of balloons (or at least a really big one) and stuffed animals of some sort, typically teddy bears wearing red bow ties or something. Anywho, although I never seriously dated anyone from my high school, I always hoped I’d get a simple acknowledgement or expression from someone telling me how wonderful I was. Yes, I know it sounds silly, but I’m being transparent here!

 So then I’d get back home, maybe with candy from teachers or my good girlfriends, but without those big mylar balloons or teddy bears. Feeling a little down like I lost my puppy, I’d look on my dresser and see that simple present from my mom, reminding me that I was, indeed, loved. Fast forward to February 2003. I reconnected with this guy I knew while in high school and we were just friends. Actually, we weren’t even that. We were cordial, no real conversations that I remember, so I didn’t expect any type of sparks to fly, but he asked me to go on a date with him the next Friday, February 14, 2003. He originally asked me via notes on Blackplanet.com (don’t front like y’all don’t remember BlackPlanet), but said he wanted to call and officially ask because he felt the Internet was still a bit impersonal. So a day or so later, I’m sitting in the middle of my bed, writing in my journal, watching SVU and writing that I’d probably be doing the same the following Friday. And my cell phone rings. It’s him, “officially” asking me on a date. Of course, I said yes and now, February 14th is the anniversary of my and my fiancé’s first date. Was it magical and crazy electricity between us? Absolutely not. It was more awkward than anything. We didn’t say a whole lot. …Weird for a first date. I mean, you know how you’re supposed to talk a lot and get to know each other, right? Well, we kinda knew each other, so we just didn’t really know how to proceed. It was cool nonetheless.

 So what’s with my aversion to Valentine’s Day? I think it’s just entirely too commercial. I mean, the price of a dozen roses seems to skyrocket and let’s not talk about the bounty of red and pink colored cheap-tasting chocolates that now dominate the front of most grocery stores. All the florists LOVE this time of year because this is the time when everyone expresses their love, right? Well, I think that’s my problem.

 I love my family. It could be a random Tuesday and if we see something we think another family member would like or appreciate, we get it for them and give it to them. No, we don’t wait and save the gift for Christmas or a birthday, but we take that moment to express love and care for each other. My Aunt De-Rance loves angels, so if I see one I think she might like, I get it for her and share it the next time I see her. It’s not necessary to wait until a special day because my love and appreciation for her aren’t bound to those days.

So I woke up today, not really feeling February 14th but the texts were rolling in as early as 6:30am and I responded with a “Happy Love’s Holiday to you too!” …but I just wasn’t feeling it, ya know? Well, as I was getting ready for work, my mom went to warm up her car before I did and when I got outside, my mom cleaned the snow off my car for me. That was a great expression of love. My mom has had serious foot pain since she broke her heel last year (she still doesn’t know how she did that), but the fact that she took those extra steps to clean off my car meant so much to me. It wasn’t my usual card and chocolate candy, but it was that expression of love and care that brought me out my funk and made me smile and be thankful to God for the love that’s expressed in various ways.

 What do I think of St. Valentine’s Day? It’s February 14th. It’s just another day. However, it’s another opportunity to share love with those around you. Take advantage of it, but don’t get so caught up in the commercialism of it all. Love each other as Christ loved us and just have a good day.