So much work to do...

I was minding my own business when last night, one of my friend’s alerted me to a Facebook post by Dr. Nina Ellis-Hervey, widely known as Beautiful Brown Baby Doll (BeautifulBrwnBabyDol). She posted an honest question and asked for dialogue:

"Random thought: I'm not going to force my opinion on everyone, but the church should do better with discussing SEX. You see, I find that there are more teen pregnancies and more due to the lack of knowledge. To shame the act of sex, ignore it, or act like it doesn't exist puts people at more risk. Also I believe that you should wait until marriage, however, relaying the message that sex is just wrong, teaches nothing to ANYONE. Saying "Just don't do it" is lazy. Also, it seems that more people of the church have sexual dysfunction once they marry because they are forever, most since both, taught that it is wrong, but all of a sudden when married its considered right? Believe me there are so many people seeking therapy due to lack of arousal after marriage because they feel dirty or BAD about having sex even in matrimony. What are your thoughts on this? #life"

Posted Saturday, Febuary 1, 2014at 8:59pm

Quoted from Facebook

I appreciate her willingness to open a forum on the topic of sex and sexuality with an audience as wide as hers. By the time I read it, there were over 500 comments. I didn’t have the time or energy to review them all, but there was one person who stuck out to me. It appeared as though what she’d been taught about sex is that it is only for procreation and that it could have possibly been created by Satan. She also shared her opinion that pastors should not talk about sex and if her pastor discussed sex instead of salvation, she wouldn’t be pleased. There were others who were not coming from a Christian perspective but offered valuable insight nonetheless. It was an interesting dialogue to say the least.

I commented, not responding to any particular person, but I spoke about my work as a sex therapist and how important it is for faith communities to discuss sex and sexuality in a healthy way. Too often, people are given the message that sex is bad their entire lives until they’re married. Unfortunately, there’s not a magic switch the turns on and allows them to have healthy sex with their mates once they say, “I do.” I ended by saying that the comment thread reminded me of the work we have yet to do.

I have to apologize to you. I’ve neglected this forum while exploring other avenues to discuss sex and sexuality. However, I’ve been reminded of the importance of this work. I believe sex is a gift from God, not reserved only for procreation. However, so many deal with incorrect teaching that sets them up for challenges in their sexuality. I’d like this space to be a safe place where people can get correct and accurate information about sex and sexuality within a Christian context. I see that it’s still needed.

Thank you God for the reminder.

Ask A Sex Therapist

Hey everyone! I'm doing some exciting things these days, including starting a vlog where I will answer all your questions related to sex and sexuality. Feel free to email me at AskASexTherapist@gmail.com and your questions could be featured in upcoming episodes.

Masters of Sex

I am BEYOND excited for the new show, Masters of Sex, that debuts September 29th on Showtime. However, that day also marks our one-year anniversary (Woot!). I can't reasonably plan our day around a TV show, so I just expected to catch it On Demand at a later date until I came across the ENTIRE PREMIER EPISODE on Facebook. Geeked is an understatement of what I felt as I watched.

My excitement about this show stems from its subject matter. Masters of Sex is based on the biography of the same name written by Thomas Maier about William Masters and Virginia Johnson. The Masters and Johnson research team pioneered in the field of sexology; William Masters was a physician in the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology at Washington University in St. Louis and Virginia Johnson was hired as his research assistant. Together, they created a model for the human sexual response and worked together to further develop the diagnosis and treatment of sexual disorders and dysfunctions from 1957 to 1994. A lot of knowledge we take for granted (i.e. that women are multiorgasmic, sometimes fake orgasms, etc.) was shared by this pair. The research they produced also debunked the 1758 assertion that masturbation causes blindness, the 19th century thought that sex for pleasure would ruin the body, and Freud's belief that clitorally induced pleasure probably revealed unresolved psychological  problems.

Additionally, I have benefited in many ways by their work. The first book I ever read about sexology was written by Masters and Johnson. Also, my sex therapy supervisor, Linda Weiner, LCSW, worked at the Masters and Johnson Institute (so I can say I'm trained by Masters and Johnson by proxy. ...kinda. No, not really. Anyway...)

The contributions of Masters and Johnson are significant in that they worked to bring science into the bedroom. ... or brought sex into the laboratory. Either way, they revolutionized the way we think about and study sex and sexuality and I am super excited about this show!

Links About Masters of Sex:

Showtime's Page for Masters of Sex

Buy the book on Amazon.com

Mood Music...

I love Internet Radio. Pandora and Spotify make my workdays just a wee bit easier. I can design a station based on my favorite artist, comedian, or even a favorite song and have hours upon hours of great music (or comedy) to fill my day. At home, we often listen to both platforms (I have a pretty dangerous playlist on Spotify called Groove if you follow me there) but it's interesting what comes on the radio. ...which leads me to a question I was asked a little while ago:

"How do you handle having sex while listening to the radio when the music switches to a Gospel song?"

I have to admit that, at first, I did chuckle a bit because this has happened on a few occasions. You're listening to your Jill Scott station at work and a Fred Hammond joint slides through. You hit like because it's your jam and you think nothing of it. ...until you're grooving to Crown Royal on Ice while hands are on hips and you're acting out the other lyrics and Imagine Me by Kirk Franklin pops on. Awkward can't quite describe the feeling.

This question was asked by a married woman who said she discussed this topic with her husband, so let's take it from the perspective of a married couple having sex and a Gospel song comes through the speakers when it wasn't exactly time for Praise and Worship. How do you handle it?

First, know that it's okay to laugh. It's okay to look at each other with that, "I wasn't thinking about Shirley Caesar" look in your eyes and laugh. It's also okay to hit skip or, if you're not listening to one of the above platforms, change the station. If you're not comfortable, don't feel bad about it, but just shake it off and count it as an opportunity to laugh and grow.

However, if you're not comfortable and it's more than something you can just laugh off, I think it's important to explore reasons why. In Christianity, God has been taken out of sex for the most part. Christians are not taught to pray before sex or even think about God outside of the occasional exclamation in varying forms of "Oh God!" which are generally accepted. However, our sexuality is, in fact, a gift from God. I believe God wants us to enjoy sex within loving, healing relationships. However, if we experience feelings of guilt or shame when a Gospel song comes on, what do you think it stems from?

Because of Jesus' sacrifice, we're free from guilt and shame. However, when we share ourselves, our most sacred being, with people who don't treasure us, we deny ourselves the opportunity to experience God's true design for sex. If a situation like this ends up being more than something you can shake off, I think it's important to ask yourself why and not be afraid of the answers.

So, what do you do when Albertina Walker creeps in on your R&B station? Honestly, if you're sharing yourself with someone who truly values you and God is glorified (yes, God can be glorified in everything we do), press skip and keep the party going.

Christian Swingers?!

These past few weeks have felt like a marathon. I drove down to Atlanta with my sister to get her set up at Gammon Theological Seminary (Hey Boo!), flew back, had step practices, and came together with my family as we grieved the loss of my uncle, Ronald "King Omowale" Pittman. Tired is an understatement. However, Wednesday, two friends shared the same site with me and I took that as a sign that I needed to write about it.

ChristianSwingers.com

Yep, you read that right. Christian Swingers. What's even better is their description:

For Christian Swingers things are not easy – often other religious people judge you, out of ignorance or envy, telling you that your lifestyle and love practices are wrong. But the Bible teaches us ‘Judge not lest ye be judged’ and there’s that verse about the first stone… but if you’re keen on keeping your privacy, well – yours, and don’t want your friends, coworkers, other PTA members or just about anyone else to know that you don’t have a problem with faith and enjoying free love with other couples, this sitecan help you! It’s designed to cater to the needs of those like you: devout Christian couples who still want to have an active love life and share it with another, in good faith!

The bible in a paragraph: why didn't I think of that!?!

Skip the swingers’ club and meetings where you can be seen and avoid bad reputation – your personal life is something shared between you and our partner; other couples willing to join you are probably having the same problems. Visiting this site might change your life for the better and increase the number of your potential dating partners – a few simple steps in the registration process will open up a whole new virtual world of possibilities! Since privacy is an issue here, you can still choose to remain anonymous until you decide to trust someone enough to share such personal information – something that’s not possible in classic swingers’ meetings and clubs, which might even lean towards openness and promotion is this lifestyle. Visit our club and discover other Christian couples with the same interests and desires who find you hot - Christian Swingers website will make your life easier and give you more access to potential dating partners!

Taken from ChristianSwingers.com 8/27/13

Of course I joined and created a profile. Research, right?

I only signed up for the free membership which doesn't allow you to do much of anything but browse the few (I counted seven) profiles on the site (and I question their authenticity). You can't contact members or even view their pictures/videos except the thumbnails available for preview.

Aside from the poor writing in the description of the site on the publicly accessible page, there's not much to it as far as I can see. No, I didn't purchase full access, but when I searched for people in my area, there was no one within 100 miles of my zip code. I also took issue with the language used in the people search. You can choose categories, i.e. I'm couple looking for a couple. The issue I had was the other categories listed: male, female, transsexual, crossdresser, group (more than 2), gay couple, lesbian couple. As far as I knew, and I could be wrong, transsexual  and crossdresser  are antiquated terms that many find offensive. Then again, this site doesn't strike me as the type that would be overly absorbed with inclusive language. Also, the site was full of ads for pornographic websites and flashing web links that promised free webcam videos and the like. Nah, I'll pass.

My overall assessment is that this website simply exists to cause a stir and make money. Of course people will check it out simply because of the title. I checked it out and I'm not interested in swinging. It was for research, remember?

I'm not even going to go into the theological reasons as to why ChristianSwingers.com is just odd. I think they do enough of that for you. However, just remember that when you allow others to worship in your temple, they leave footprints, whether good or bad.

Give Yourself A Hand

Can you believe it's the end of May already? And we haven't even celebrated around these parts! Cinco de Mayo? No, but May has been named National Masturbation Month! Go ahead and give yourself a hand.

Masturbation is something I'm often asked about. So many wonder if it's a sin to pleasure yourself since there are so many mixed messages given in faith communities and on the Internet. I used to seriously struggle with this answer until I came across an interesting Bible study that gave a pretty cool perspective.

It explained that the Bible does not directly talk about masturbation, good or bad, so it's difficult to draw  conclusions on what "thus saith the Lord." What they did say, however, is that it is a gift. Masturbation gives you the ability to quench your thirsts without falling into sin or causing anyone else to fall either. They do caution, however, against using "perverted" imagery to either cause arousal or climax. Also, it's important that masturbation is simply a part of your sexual expression, not something that becomes a compulsion or ends up interfering with your everyday activities. As with anything, moderation is key. If you find that you cannot function without partaking in a specific activity (be it masturbating or using substances), it's a good idea to seek professional help.

So there you have it. Is masturbation a sin? Absolutely not. However, it's important that you understand why so many caution against it. I believe people speak against masturbation because they're afraid people will become bound to it. Will some people? Possibly, but it doesn't make the practice evil.

Also, it's important to understand your body and know what pleases you. YOU are responsible for your orgasm. Yes, even in partnered sex. You are responsible. I think it's unfair to blame another person for your dissatisfaction. Are there horrible sex partners? Of course. However, it's important that you educate yourself on your own body so you can guide your partner in pleasing you.

Enjoy the rest of the month!

Don't Try This At Home

I’m not a porn connoisseur, but I understand that many people may view pornographic videos to get ideas on how to spice things up in the bedroom. Yes, I'm a Christian and no I don't believe that all material seen as pornographic is essentially evil. HOWEVER, I am wise enough to know that you should not try everything you see in these videos, no matter how the participants seem to enjoy themselves. Also, it's important to realize that most of these videos show things that "look" good, not necessarily feel good to the participants, but let's save that for another post.

A few weeks ago, I came across an article on The Huffington Post where they described a man who had to have a 20-inch eel surgically removed. He watched a video where someone put an eel in their anus for sexual gratification and decided to try this for himself. Apparently, things didn’t go as planned. The eel ended up chewing through his large intestine and was found in his body cavity trying to find a way out. The eel was still alive when the surgical team removed it, but died a short time later. I believe the man will possibly face animal cruelty charges.

Oddly enough, this is not the first eel extraction recorded.

Ladies and Gentleman, this post is not to discourage you from watching videos to get ideas on enhancing your sexual experiences. Also, this post is not aimed at discouraging anal sex. However, it’s important that you’re realistic in the things you decide to try. Here are some questions to ask yourself or your partner:

• Could this end in death, dismemberment, or a quick trip to the emergency room?
• Will I and/or my partner enjoy it?
• Why am I doing this in the first place?

Honestly, I encourage people to think outside the box and have fun in the bedroom (or kitchen, or…you get the idea). On the other hand, it’s important that in exploring those boundaries, you establish safety and set yourself up for a great experience and not a medical emergency. If things don’t pan out exactly as they did in the video, shake it off. Learn from the missteps and laugh. Sex doesn’t have to be serious. Have fun! But don’t stick animals up your anus; it might not end well.